Good advice for children and teenagers in grief

“A child struggling with a problem needs a warm embrace, a warm heart, and open ears, but their mouth can often be small.”

Words from Sigurður Pálsson, priest at Halllgrímskirkja

When a loved one dies

• • Getting to see the deceased can be important and helpful for a child/adolescent who loses a loved one. It gives them an opportunity to say goodbye and helps them accept the fact that a loved one has passed away.

Preparing a funeral

• If a child/adolescent is a relative, it is good to allow them to participate in the preparation of the funeral. For example, participate in choosing a coffin, designing the look and content of the funeral booklet.
• If a child is a relative and will attend the funeral, it’s important to explain in advance what will happen and what they can expect. You can request to have a quiet moment by the open coffin before the viewing ceremony itself takes place. Then children and adolescents can say goodbye in peace and quiet, put drawings, letters or other personal belongings with a loved one.
• It’s good to show young children in advance where they will be sitting and what their role will be if they have a role in the funeral service. It is also important to discuss who will attend to them during the funeral if the parents are not able to do so. This way they are better prepared for the process.

Talking about death

• Misunderstandings, if any are present, need to be eliminated, and words chosen carefully when discussing death with children. For example, if the deceased is referred to as being asleep, a child may be afraid to fall asleep for fear of dying.
• Also, many children are afraid of hospitals because someone they knew died there, and they may view the hospital as a place of death and not a place that provides healing.
  It is best to talk to the children and explain things clearly.

Showing difficult emotions

• Children can be overwhelmed when they see adults cry, especially those who always show strength. Therefore, it is important to prepare them for that when someone dies, people will be sad and cry and that is a healthy response to grief.
• If the child witnesses these feelings in an adult, it gives them the message that they are allowed to express their own feelings in the same way and that it is normal to cry and feel sad.
• Children need to be reassured that they are being cared for by adults even though the adults are grieving.
• A grieving child must feel that they still have the affection of those who are left behind.

Keeping organized

• Even if the daily schedule is somewhat disrupted, it is still important to maintain the schedule as much as possible. Encouraging everyone to wake up and go to bed at the same time as usual, make the bed, walk the dog, etc.
• Grief is very energy consuming and therefore one must not forget to feed children and adolescents healthy and nutritious food and ensure that they get enough rest.
• Organization provides more security and well-being in difficult situations. Especially for children.

Providing physical contact

• Showing warmth and touching can often say more than a thousand words. A child/adolescent who is hugged knows that they are loved.
• However, we need to be prepared for a child to reject physical contact while they are getting to grips with their feelings. This is especially true for adolescents – they often don’t want to show their feelings and can be afraid of losing control.

Focusing on the present and what can be controlled

• In grief, we often become preoccupied with the question, what if? It is important to help the child/adolescent deal with the fact of the loss of a loved one and what cannot be changed.
• It is important to try to focus on the now and what can be controlled.

Keeping items

• When a child/adolescent loses a loved one, it can be important for them to keep things or items around that remind them of the deceased or were owned by them. For example, you can spray the deceased’s perfume or aftershave on a cloth or a piece of clothing and keep it.
• If children/adolescents lose a parent, some people have the wedding rings melted down and made into a necklace or something else for the child or adolescent.
• It is good to prepare a memorial book or memorial box with pictures or items from the deceased for the child/adolescent.

Keeping the discussion alive

• The feelings of grieving children and adolescents are in constant flux. If a child/adolescent is open to talking about the loss, keep the discussion alive and try to encourage them to discuss their feelings.
• The child/adolescent may not want to discuss the matter when the adults want them to. Therefore, it is important to be open and ready when they show signs of wanting to chat and to take the time for it.
• However, if the child/adolescent wants to talk, try to help them find another way to express their feelings, such as drawing, writing a diary, composing music, or other.

Being in contact with people

• If we keep in close contact with relatives and friends, we don’t experience as much loneliness in our grief.
• Talking to someone who is willing to listen and show compassion is a great support.
• • Encourage your children or adolescents to keep in close contact with their friends and relatives.

Being happy in grief too

• When we experience grief, it is often difficult to allow ourselves to be happy about something and have fun. We might even feel that it’s inappropriate.
• It is essential to make children/adolescents aware that we can experience many emotions at the same time. That they allow themselves to laugh and have fun even though they are grieving a loved one. It gives them a break from worry and distress.

Being a good role model

• If you take care of your own needs and are taking good care of yourself by paying attention to sleep, nutrition, and other basic needs, your child/teenager is more likely to do the same.
• If you are not shy about discussing your grief, accepting help, and paying attention to spiritual nourishment, it will also have a positive effect on your children and the teenager.
• Children learn what is presented to them, and parents are role models in this as much as anything else.

With your support and care, the child/adolescent will be able to work through their grief.

Books in Icelandic for children in grief:

• Trevor Romain: What in the world do you do when someone dies? Skálholt Publishing, 2010. This book addresses a number of questions that children and adolescents often wonder about after the loss of a loved one.

• Gudrun Alda Hardardottir. Það má ekki vera satt The story was first published in 1983 under the name When Dad Died. Hasla, 1983.

This is a realistic story about death and life, seen from the perspective of a six-year-old boy.

• Astrid Lindgren: Bróðir minn Ljónshjarta. Forlagið, 2012.

Books for parents/guardians of grieving children:

• Sigurður Pálsson: Börn og sorg. Skálholtsútgáfan, 1998. Endurútgefin 2021. The Grief Center supported the publication.
The content of the book is well-written and intended as a guide.