Ignorance and fear of death and grief are often barriers to those who want to provide support. Misunderstood consideration, such as not wanting to call or thinking that visiting the bereaved is a distraction, often increases the loneliness and helplessness of the bereaved.
Below are a few points about how family members can support those who have lost a loved one.
It is advisable to first examine the relationship with the person who has just lost a loved one. Are you a close friend, acquaintance, or distant relative?
When a person has recently lost a loved one, it is likely that they will only want to associate with their inner circle, their closest friends, immediately after the death. But often we do not know in which circle we are to the bereaved person or how close we should get. Are we in the inner circle; closest friends and family? Or are we in the next circle; colleagues and good acquaintances? Are we even further away; more distant relatives or people who know the language?
Below are some ideas for what you can do to support someone who has lost a loved one. Remember, however, that it is most important to respect each person’s privacy and personal space. We are all different, and what may be appropriate for one person may be an uncomfortable experience for another. It is important to offer your help and get the bereaved person’s permission for what you want to do. It is often best to start by talking to the person closest to the bereaved person and discussing the idea with them.
Inner circle – closest friends and family
Immediately after a loss, it is good to:
- Come and stay with the person who has lost someone. Don’t be a guest, just be there, the grieving person doesn’t have the energy for long conversations or receiving guests.
- Make contact. This shows that you care. Visit and give of your time. Remember that the bereaved often has difficulty taking the initiative and does not have the energy needed to promote communication. Picking up the phone can be overwhelming for people in grief. Also make contact on holidays. That is when the pain is often greatest.
- Remember that the bereaved person needs your support. Your presence could make a difference.
- Offer assistance with funeral preparations and everything that comes with it.
- Bring prepared food.
- Go to the store and buy what’s missing from the fridge.
- Take the children to and from school/kindergarten.
- Assist in investigating rights and insurance issues, applying for funeral benefits from the deceased’s union.
- Help with car maintenance, lubrication, inspection, cleaning, etc.
- Come and take care of the children. If they don’t want to go out with you, stay there and play with them.
- Arrive at the location and cook for the family.
- Invite the bereaved person with you for a walk, to a concert, out to dinner, for a massage, etc.
- Help with the laundry for a while. Take the dirty clothes home and return them.
- back to the cupboards.
- Clean the house, it’s good for a group of friends to do it together. Pamper the bereaved person in the meantime.
- Show empathy, sincerity, and honesty. Don’t be afraid to show your own weaknesses.
- Keep your promises. VERY IMPORTANT.
- Give a hug and warmth. A hug and considerate touch provide strength and often speak louder than words. However, keep in mind that some people may find physical contact uncomfortable. Respect that.
- Listen, listen, listen. It is extremely important for grieving people to have a trusted listener. Active listening involves showing genuine interest, such as nodding, making eye contact, and making brief, encouraging comments. Do not give advice or interrupt the grieving person. Do not change the subject. Doing so may close off opportunities for support.
- Respect the bereaved person’s feelings and well-being. It is important to acknowledge that feelings of grief are a normal response to difficult circumstances.
- Avoid judging the behavior or demeanor of the bereaved. Don’t let it get to you if you don’t always understand their reactions and behavior. Grief manifests itself in different ways and sometimes comes unexpectedly. Remember that grief does not have a set time frame. Bereaved people may need to talk about the deceased and the circumstances of the death over and over again, even many months and years after the events occurred.
The next circle – relatives, friends and close acquaintances
Immediately after a loss, it is good to:
- Make contact. This shows that you care. Visit and give of your time. Remember that the bereaved often has difficulty taking the initiative and does not have the energy needed to promote communication. Picking up the phone can be overwhelming for people in grief. Also make contact on holidays. That is when the pain is often greatest.
- Send a message or greeting on social media. Don’t write the greeting on the wall, private messages are more personal.
- Go to the store or bakery. Hang some candy on the door and then send a text message to your phone saying that a delivery has arrived.
- Bring prepared food.
- Take the children to and from school/kindergarten.
- Help with car maintenance, lubrication, inspection, cleaning, etc.
- Clean the house, it’s good for a group of friends to do it together. Pamper the bereaved person in the meantime.
- Tidy up the garden. It’s a great idea for a group of friends to get together and make the garden look nice.
- Shovel the steps.
- It’s good for a grieving person to have something when people come to visit.
- Invite the bereaved person with you for a walk, to a concert, out to dinner, for a massage, etc.
- Offer to help with the children or pets in the home. DO NOT say, “I’m here if you need help, you can always call.” It is very unlikely that the grieving person will call others and ask for help. They are very vulnerable and fragile due to the trauma they have experienced, and it is difficult to ask for help in this situation. Instead, say, for example, “I would like to borrow the children on Saturday and do something with them. Can I come and pick them up at 2 p.m.? What time is convenient for you?”
- Show empathy, sincerity, and honesty. Don’t be afraid to show your own weaknesses.
- Keep your promises. VERY IMPORTANT.
- Give a hug and warmth. A hug and considerate touch provide strength and often speak louder than words. However, keep in mind that some people may find physical contact uncomfortable. Respect that.
- Listen, listen, listen. It is extremely important for grieving people to have a trusted listener. Active listening involves showing genuine interest, such as nodding, making eye contact, and making brief, encouraging comments. Do not give advice or interrupt the grieving person. Do not change the subject. Doing so may close off opportunities for support.
- Respect the bereaved person’s feelings and well-being. It is important to acknowledge that feelings of grief are a normal response to difficult circumstances.
- Avoid judging the behavior or demeanor of the bereaved. Don’t let it get to you if you don’t always understand their reactions and behavior. Grief manifests itself in different ways and sometimes comes unexpectedly. Remember that grief does not have a set time frame. Bereaved people may need to talk about the deceased and the circumstances of the death over and over again, even many months and years after the events occurred.
- It is important that we all keep in touch regularly by calling, sending emails, or connecting on social media. The first two years are often the hardest. Don’t just disappear after the funeral, keep in touch and offer your help.
Outer circle – distant relatives or people with linguistic knowledge
Immediately after a loss, it is good to:
- Send an email or a greeting on social media. Not on the wall, private messages are more personal. It’s always good to know from acquaintances and relatives who think well of you.
- Go to the store or bakery. Hang some candy on the door and then send a text message to your phone saying that a delivery has arrived.
- Bring prepared food.
- It’s good for a grieving person to have something when people come to visit.
- Send a beautiful gift such as a gift certificate for pampering, brunch, theater, warm mittens, a good book. Something beautiful and cozy that you think will make them happy.
- Send your children gift certificates to the cinema, theatre or other places in the mail. It’s always nice for them to receive a treat in the mail.
- Be patient and understanding. A grieving person doesn’t have the energy to be around too many people, it’s incredibly overwhelming to be in grief. It’s natural for them to let their loved ones take care of them for the first year. However, don’t stop letting them know and sending nice messages.
